my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
