dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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