I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
