Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
