i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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