I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
