i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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