Dude my mom stole all your condoms
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
