Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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