oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
i now understand why vodka
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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