you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
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she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
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When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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