Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
