I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
