This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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