I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
