my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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