If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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