What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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