If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
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I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
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Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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