Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I deserve this hangover.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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