Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
