I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
that's an acceptable place to lick
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
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She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
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You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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