I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
