I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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