Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
