new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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