I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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