I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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