walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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