Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
