If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
