If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
