Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
