yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
