I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
