right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
