one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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