Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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