Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
