are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
