She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
FUCK WHALES
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
