I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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