1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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