watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
