i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
