It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
