i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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