I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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