Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize