What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
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You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
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Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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