we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
