Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
