Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
