What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
