The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
