i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
