She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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