How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
