Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
